we could be heroes.

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:31:40 GMT

Oh my god. I re-installed Myst. Oh my god I'm so excited. I love everything.

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:14:37 GMT

LOL there's guys paving our driveway right now and I've never fully understood the reason for the word "ralphed" until just now.

DDDD: D: D: D: D:

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 13:09:24 GMT

Was woken up this morning by the feeling of a house centipede on my arm.

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 09:24:12 GMT

George Carlin. What the fuck man. I would say "rest in peace" but I feel like that is inappropriate to say to a man such as him. He was so young too, 71. I'm still in shock; he was one of those people who felt like they'd be around forever. I wonder if there's some kind of Joe Pesci heaven for him to go to. Hahahaha.

I'm about to start reading Everything is Illuminated for the fifth time, and this time I'm going to mark off passages/phrases to consider for a tattoo. This book is literally the most beautiful thing I've ever read/seen/experienced, and since a Beatles tattoo is definitely on the back burner for a while because I want it to be absolutely perfect, I want this one to come first.

In all the books I have that I know I'll love, I start a tally in the front cover of how many times I've read it. The Perks of Being A Wallflower has something like eleven or twelve, and Everything is Illuminated is about to have five. Harry Potter IV has three. Those are the only ones so far, but I think I'm about to start a tally in Holes - it's a children's book, but I fucking love it; I'm reading it for the third time currently.

Mmm I love books. Lately I've had this insatiable urge to read. Maybe I'll make some headway on my summer reading list.

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 09:40:43 GMT

I'm trying to stop myself from being nocturnal (and by that I mean, I go to bed at 7am and wake up at 4pm), and as such I'm trying to get myself out of bed at a reasonable hour. I don't want to set actual alarms unless I have work, so for my days off, I've made a mix of nice songs to get me out of bed.

I put it on shuffle so it's a different order every morning, but these are the songs:

-"Good Morning Starshine" by Oliver
-"Sunday Morning" by The Velvet Undergroun
-"Beautiful World" by Colin Hay
-"Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles
-"Octopus's Garden" by The Beatles
-"Penny Lane" by The Beatles
-"Jennifer Juniper" by Donovan
-"Crystal Blue Persuasion" by Tommy James & the Shondells
-"Cherry, Cherry" by Neil Diamond
-"Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab for Cutie

i see a red door and....

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 08:01:00 GMT

Today I felt pretty okay. I kept waking up throughout the night and found myself slowly becoming conscious of the fact that I was daydreaming (or "daynightmaring," if you will) about them together, but it didn't make me rage as much as it usually does. And I've been eating okay, with no nervous stomach to prevent me from doing so like it has been for the past...two weeks? I've literally lost weight from it. God I need to get back in shape though, all my muscles are gone from one lazy year of college.

I realized that I have all my eggs in one basket for this college thing, if I don't get in to Hunter or Marymount then I'm kind of fucked. I'm glad I'm finally getting on the ball with this though, it's broken me out of this horrible three-month depressed rut I've been in. I find that, when I become stressed, it's only because of some simple task that I have to do that I just keep putting off because I'm stressed about it, but putting it off makes me more stressed, and then I get depressed/stressed, and it's just a big snowball of bad. But then once I do it, I'm like, "Oh. Okay cool. That took five minutes."

Never did that ADIML.

Birthday next Thursday, and my friends keep forgetting about it. Makes me feel shitty because everyone else gets surprise parties/day outings/whatever, but then they forget about mine. But oh well. I'm trying to decide what birthday piercing I should get this year. I'm currently thinking right tragus, but I can never decide how I want my ears to look in the end (i.e. matched perfectly, or unmatched but balanced), so I don't want to jump into anything. Maybe I'll go with nipples if I have the money. I think nipple piercings would make me like my boobs a whole lot more, and I'm not getting laid anytime soon so I don't have to worry about that during healing. Hmm.

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 09:40:43 GMT

I watched Howl's Moving Castle, finally. And oh, my god. Words would absolutely fail to describe the way it made me feel. But suffice it to say that Eric changed his major concentration to animation because of it (/Miyazaki in general). Right now I'm working on My Neighbor Totoro and Princess Mononoke. I decided my first paycheque will be spent on a Miyazaki DVD collection...because I need them.

I'm slowly trying to right my sleep schedule...I've been going to bed at 8am lately and getting up between 3 and 4. And admittedly it sucks. I'm in a bind though because: sunrise and early morning are arguably my favorite time of day, but I don't want to go to bed at midnight in order to be able to wake up at that time. I might work back to going to bed at 2 or 3 and setting a [nice pleasant mix CD] alarm for 9:30 so that I still get to see some of the morning (and wake up in time for bad morning talk shows ajajaa). Except tonight I was a retard and drank like half a gallon of sweet tea, so now I'm caffeined and sugared up, but my battery's about to die so instead of plugging it in to e-shop some more, I'll go read. I'm working on The Unbearable Lightness of Being and it's weird because, though I like the book, the way Kundera writes it feels as if I'm watching the events unfold through a window as opposed to experiencing it all firsthand. It's a strange POV to be put into, and not one I'm sure I'm comfortable in.

My iPod is officially full. Now I have to go through and clean out all the things I don't ever listen to. How riveting.

ADIML today I think. I've been meaning to do one since I got home and today feels like a good day for one.

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 01:23:02 GMT

I got the job at Dollar General, will be making exactly minimum wage ($7.15/hr) and won't get my full hours until the end of this month when one employee leaves. I've also sacrificed my Friday nights because I work every day from 4-9:30pm, but I keep telling myself that it'll be fine. I get stressed now when I go out with friends because we don't have much in common anymore, and I don't have as much fun with them as I did with my friends in New York. So I'll work away my summer and fall and winter to save up money, apply to schools (probably starting in two weeks, I need to get a list together of things I need, get my transcripts, my portfolio, etc.) and hopefully get in, and maybe apartment hunt if I don't get housing as a transfer. If apartment hunting is what's happening, I might ask Pete if I can go up and stay with him for like a week and just bus into the city every day. Or stay at his dorm (ick no, toooo awkward) or maybe Ana's or something, I don't know. Point being I'll stay somewhere in/near the city for a week or so and go hunting every day, and hopefully find something super super cheap and with good roommates. I'm kind of excited. I have a good feeling about things to come, and for once I feel like it's more than just wishful thinking.

For no reason at all lately I've been thinking about my wedding. What it will be like, where it will be, etc. I decided I want to have a John and Yoko wedding, with the groom and I wearing what Joko wore at their wedding, re-enacting some of their photos around NYC (not wedding photos because they didn't even get married there, but just...regular old Joko photos), etc. I hope my future husband will wear Lennon glasses also, and I want our first dance song to be Grow Old With Me or Real Love or Oh My Love...and as long as we can make our own CDs of music to be played for the reception, the rest I don't care about. Where, when, who's in the bridal party, what flowers, what car we drive in, etc. I'm not really into the whole big stressy wedding thing.

This really nice-sounding guy just messaged me on OkCupid...I got an account for the lulz but man I dunno. He seems like a really good person. And he has Lennon glasses and loves Foer. He's 24 though, that seems a bit old. Also lives in WV. Uhhh.

haha jeez....

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 10:53:49 GMT

Poor articulate. That is where I go to whine about shit. I try to put my feelings into fifteen words and generally it comes out okay, but I end up posting there almost daily because something new comes up. They're always about *him* too, argh. They're probably so sick of seeing my stupid whining emo entries there. I guess I do it though because I feel like someone is listening.

so who's the girl wearin' my dress?

Mon, 26 May 2008 07:09:18 GMT

He's moving on with another girl. It's making me upset, a lot, but I think I'm feeling almost okay about it right now because there is more important shit going on.

Bri totaled her car tonight. I was in the passenger's seat. Zach was in the back, driver's side. We were turning left into Thatcher's Motel on 22 and completely did not see the car in the lane we were crossing that was right there. Both cars' front left corners were fucked and neither car would start after the fact. It was so fucking scary. The cops came and then Bri's dad, and he was clearly beyond the point of yelling mad and into the "I am so mad that I can't even feel it" state where he just levelheadedly reamed her. Zach and I left for his house and Jess Hredzack picked us up at McDonalds and drove us there. Zach's mom was sitting up crying (he had called them to let them know we were coming) because she had just dreamed that Zach had been in an accident. Zach's hand was swollen and the adrenaline or whatever was wearing off so he was starting to feel that it hurt (he had held onto his seatbelt during the accident and I guess it got like jammed around by his chest) and so Jackie and Drew drove Zach to the hospital and dropped me off at home along the way. He just called and said he had broken his hand and will have to wear a cast for 4-6 weeks.

I feel so bad for Bri because the accident was clearly her fault. It's all going to get back to her insurance, even Zach's hand, and her parents are going to kill her, along with her feeling guilty herself. Ugh this is horrible.

In other news, I might be crushing on this kid I went to high school with. We're decent friends and a few nights before I left for SVA last summer he was driving me home and told me that he loved me. I realized that Pete was a lot like him, and it made me realize that I actually like Mike. This whole "crush, liking" thing is so foreign to me after being intensely in love for, what, 5-6 months of my life? It feels so trivial. The thing is that I feel like I could fall in love with Mike if I gave it the chance. I do love him now, but mostly as a friend, plus the crush.

I need to apply to Montclair. I won't be able to stand sitting here for another semester or two, having no friends at all and no darkroom or way to make art. This is my last week to do it, and maybe since my dad will be home today (Memorial Day) I'll do it. I feel like he has to be there to supervise and tell me I'm doing it all correctly. Plus he'll have to be there for scheduling a portfolio interview, which hopefully doesn't have to be done by June 1 (the app deadline). If all else fails I'll apply there for next spring so I'm not an entire year behind, while still working on applying to a new school in the city for next fall.

Ugh so many things. And the sad thing is that the only reason I'm really feeling sort of okay is that I just messaged Mike and I have a crush and hope for relationship to distract me. I just hope this doesn't turn into a summer-only relationship, ugh. If it did, it would be on his part. Let's not think about that.

extreme makeover: self edition

Thu, 15 May 2008 22:31:21 GMT

I'm so sick of myself. I'm stuck in this rut of...I don't even know. I feel like absolute shit lately. I need better clothes. All I have now are juvenile colorful logo t-shirts and knit halter tops. It's time I started shopping in the women's department. My tastes have changed so much since high school. I need to be on What Not To Wear. I need to sell all of my old clothes and buy a new wardrobe. I'm watching obsessively all of these street fashion blogs and LJs and websites, and envying all of it.

I need a trip to Avalon Exchange. H&M. Plato's Closet. Target. Macy's. Maybe even Charlotte Russe. I need to slowly start phasing out my old clothes and bringing in the new.

I need to get back to the city. There's this overwhelming sense of urgency to do so; I'm yearning to be surrounded by bricks and litter and homeless people and taxis and subways. I need the rush, the independence, the inspiration. I want to smell that stale subway air and think, "Yes. I am where I belong."

On an unrelated note, the ex-boy is starting to see someone else, I think. I've been watching his wall's half of a conversation he's been having with this film major we go to school with, and she gave him her number and said something like, "Yes, coffee and/or food sounds good!" Which means that he's going into the city on a $14 round trip bus ride to HAVE COFFEE with this girl.

ehh public entry

Mon, 12 May 2008 08:00:08 GMT

I had a dream last night that I called my friend Mike who I haven't seen since winter break and we met up in the Shur Save parking lot and when we saw each other and hugged it was the greatest feeling in the world and we were both crying happy tears and it was like we were in a movie and there were funny lights going on and a few of my friends were there and watching us, but Mike and I just kept on hugging.

And I wonder what that means. Now I want to call him, because I want to find out if it means what I think it means.